I never expected this. Never thought that I would be here in this place at this point in my life.I was never the prettiest one but far from the ugliest. On the inside and out. No one tells you that the older you get, the smaller your circles become and the lonelier you feel if no one is there to comfort you.
I've never understood the concept of buying love. Always saw it in the form of male order brides. Never did I see artificial insemination that way, but I do know.
Folks try to convince you that it is ok, but what do they know? They are viewing the greener grass on the other side and ignoring the weeds and fake plastic grass patches. They don't see the life long effects. I wish I could interview some folks who are products of this experience. Seehow they feel about it now versus then. MaYbe I will.
But for now, I lay here and struggle with decisions I made almost 20yrs ago. Although months of deliberation went into that decision, if I knew what I know now, you might not be reading this....
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Another marraige sermon, again.....
I feel like I' being tortured to hear another sermon on marraige. I'm glad that the church is taking time to try to fix all the marraiges in the church BUT I'm single!!!! I don't want to hear this right now! I'm not even dating so this hurts more than helps!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Special Date
Well I know that so far my posts have been mostly me venting, ok the one post, lol. But right now I want to share something I did the other day that is, well it's positive!
It was saturday and my morning plans were canceled and I couldnt do any yard work becaise of the rain. To top it off, I was starving but didn't want to cook. So I decided to have a breakfast date with Jesus. That's right, I said Jesus! lol
So let me describe what happened.....
I drove up to my favorite Denny's and the parking lot was filled. So the enemy was clearly at work! I kept going till I made it to the diner which was also full bit I alreadu decided it wouldn't stop me. Then the staff was a bit rude since the host wouldn't even turn around. I was begining to take it personal when others began coming in and he still didn't turn around. Finally he did and quickly apologized.
He then brought me to a table and I asked for a booth. He responded "there are none available" as I could clearly see 2 that were open. When his eyes followed mine he said "those seat 3-4. Would you like to wait?" I said yes sarcasticly as he then proceeded to sit 2 at that same booth.
As I turned to address the situation, he turned to me and led me to another booth.
I sat down and laughed because it was soo apparent that thinhs were trying to stop this moment. The realization sat it on how special this was going to be. I closed my eyds and began my date. Phone off and full attention to the Lord. I found peace and stillness in that crowded diner. I opened myslef and received a little piece of Him.
Thank you God for our time together!
It was saturday and my morning plans were canceled and I couldnt do any yard work becaise of the rain. To top it off, I was starving but didn't want to cook. So I decided to have a breakfast date with Jesus. That's right, I said Jesus! lol
So let me describe what happened.....
I drove up to my favorite Denny's and the parking lot was filled. So the enemy was clearly at work! I kept going till I made it to the diner which was also full bit I alreadu decided it wouldn't stop me. Then the staff was a bit rude since the host wouldn't even turn around. I was begining to take it personal when others began coming in and he still didn't turn around. Finally he did and quickly apologized.
He then brought me to a table and I asked for a booth. He responded "there are none available" as I could clearly see 2 that were open. When his eyes followed mine he said "those seat 3-4. Would you like to wait?" I said yes sarcasticly as he then proceeded to sit 2 at that same booth.
As I turned to address the situation, he turned to me and led me to another booth.
I sat down and laughed because it was soo apparent that thinhs were trying to stop this moment. The realization sat it on how special this was going to be. I closed my eyds and began my date. Phone off and full attention to the Lord. I found peace and stillness in that crowded diner. I opened myslef and received a little piece of Him.
Thank you God for our time together!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Hate on Me?
"For all yall haters out there that are running out of folks to hate on, please feel free to hate on me" Kat Williams
Why, oh why do I feel like this? If you are in your 30's or older, you should NO LONGER be a hater!!! Get out there and get your own!
Thy is this such a foreign concept?
I know I have been blessed with amazing and I stress, AMAZING friends (such as the ones reading this right now). But what the hell did I do to deserve haters? And yes, I said haterS!!!!
Am I a model? NO
Am I married with a fabulous husband? NO(t yet)
Do I have AMAZING kids? Again NO(t yet)
Do I have a super duper job that pays me bookoo bucks to do absolutely nothing? NO!!!! (not yet, lol)
So why hate on me?
Is it hard to identify if you are a hater? Hmmm, let's see:
If someone says something nice to you about someone else, and your response is negative, You're a Hater!
If people are admiring your friend and all you can think about is moving away from the area so folks can look at you, You're a Hater!
If people seek the advice of a friend (or so called friend) instead of you and you find yourself getting upset when they do, you might have some hater tendencies!
If you feel the need to put another chic on blast to make yourself feel better, or better yet, if you think you are better than any one else because you rock your "real hair" or you have never had a zit in your life, OR your baby daddy just bought you a new (insert item here), or or or, (get this)
You are a better christian cause you kept your legs closed and they didn't......... You're a HATER!!!!!
Geez! Don't we as women already have too much to worry about? Life is always trying to pull us down. But yet, some of us spend sooo much time trying to put another down.
At the end of the day, we all have problems, we are not perfect, we all wish and long for something else.
Ok, so you see my car, you see my house, you see my style, you see how folks like me and want to be my friend and all you can think of is how to put it all down? Are you serious? Go get it for yourself!!!
Do you know my demons? Do you see my mirror? Do you know my pains vs my dreams?
Oh , you think you do because I let you see a side of me. AND still you feel the need to point out my imperfections instead of fostering my accomplishments? And you think I should call you my friend???
Ya right!
You want my shoes? Take'm!
I know pain, I know loss, I live with hurt every day.
But I know love! The love of GOD!!! So I smile!!! smh I Smile to keep me from crying!!!!
So the next time you see another woman that seems to have it going on, instead of hating, CONGRATULATE!!!! Because you have noooooo idea what she has to go home to, what puts her to sleep at night and what darkness lives inside her!
Why, oh why do I feel like this? If you are in your 30's or older, you should NO LONGER be a hater!!! Get out there and get your own!
Thy is this such a foreign concept?
I know I have been blessed with amazing and I stress, AMAZING friends (such as the ones reading this right now). But what the hell did I do to deserve haters? And yes, I said haterS!!!!
Am I a model? NO
Am I married with a fabulous husband? NO(t yet)
Do I have AMAZING kids? Again NO(t yet)
Do I have a super duper job that pays me bookoo bucks to do absolutely nothing? NO!!!! (not yet, lol)
So why hate on me?
Is it hard to identify if you are a hater? Hmmm, let's see:
If someone says something nice to you about someone else, and your response is negative, You're a Hater!
If people are admiring your friend and all you can think about is moving away from the area so folks can look at you, You're a Hater!
If people seek the advice of a friend (or so called friend) instead of you and you find yourself getting upset when they do, you might have some hater tendencies!
If you feel the need to put another chic on blast to make yourself feel better, or better yet, if you think you are better than any one else because you rock your "real hair" or you have never had a zit in your life, OR your baby daddy just bought you a new (insert item here), or or or, (get this)
You are a better christian cause you kept your legs closed and they didn't......... You're a HATER!!!!!
Geez! Don't we as women already have too much to worry about? Life is always trying to pull us down. But yet, some of us spend sooo much time trying to put another down.
At the end of the day, we all have problems, we are not perfect, we all wish and long for something else.
Ok, so you see my car, you see my house, you see my style, you see how folks like me and want to be my friend and all you can think of is how to put it all down? Are you serious? Go get it for yourself!!!
Do you know my demons? Do you see my mirror? Do you know my pains vs my dreams?
Oh , you think you do because I let you see a side of me. AND still you feel the need to point out my imperfections instead of fostering my accomplishments? And you think I should call you my friend???
Ya right!
You want my shoes? Take'm!
I know pain, I know loss, I live with hurt every day.
But I know love! The love of GOD!!! So I smile!!! smh I Smile to keep me from crying!!!!
So the next time you see another woman that seems to have it going on, instead of hating, CONGRATULATE!!!! Because you have noooooo idea what she has to go home to, what puts her to sleep at night and what darkness lives inside her!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Why this?
I remember a while back (about 5yrs ago) I bought a shirt that read "Who cares about your blog?" I really felt that way. Who needs an online diary? Who wants to read it? Who actually cares???
Well, in the words of Chris Brown, "look at me now" LOL
I realized that this might just be a great way to update my friends (my sister girls) on the things that would have us spending hours on the phone playing catch up. Who has time for that anymore?
In this new age of twitter and facebook updates every 30mins, why not create a blog? Why not show folks who I really am. Not the sweet friendly person that everyone sees in my "posts" but the "Other side". You know who she is. She's the one that lives inside all of us. The mean chick that slaps you when you piss her off, that cries when you walk out the door, that wishes you'd choose her, that wonders why her life is no where near what she thought it would be. She's also the little girl that cries for her dad's love and attention. The girl that was picked last for sports, the one the cheerleaders picked on. She's the one we hide and protect. The one that only our closest of friends know and love us anyway.
Well, I am going to let her loose! She has a voice that needs to be heard and if you care, you'll hear it!
Well, in the words of Chris Brown, "look at me now" LOL
I realized that this might just be a great way to update my friends (my sister girls) on the things that would have us spending hours on the phone playing catch up. Who has time for that anymore?
In this new age of twitter and facebook updates every 30mins, why not create a blog? Why not show folks who I really am. Not the sweet friendly person that everyone sees in my "posts" but the "Other side". You know who she is. She's the one that lives inside all of us. The mean chick that slaps you when you piss her off, that cries when you walk out the door, that wishes you'd choose her, that wonders why her life is no where near what she thought it would be. She's also the little girl that cries for her dad's love and attention. The girl that was picked last for sports, the one the cheerleaders picked on. She's the one we hide and protect. The one that only our closest of friends know and love us anyway.
Well, I am going to let her loose! She has a voice that needs to be heard and if you care, you'll hear it!
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